Friday, December 12, 2014

Today Was The Worst Day

Today was the worst day of my life. I had started off optimistic and then it slowly went down hill. First I almost failed a project with a class I'm almost about to fail. Then I had a major panic attack in my fourth hour. I had been shaky all day and I hadn't eaten at lunch because I was too busy with my project for my class. I just plain freaked out in the middle and class and ran to the bathroom texting my friend Juliette to help me. Luckily she came at the perfect time right when I had just broke down. I couldn't fully understand why I had a panic attack but it was major and all I cared about was calming down. After I had calmed down Juliette asked me if I had eaten and I told her I hadn't. So after class she gave me some cashews to help me feel better.

After that I had finally started to look up and feel better but then when I got into my dad's car the second I got in I was screamed at and braided for things I didn't do. I ended up getting into a huge fight with my dad and walking to my house completely pissed off. Then I find out my friend Jenna had been staying at Crystal's house all week and I didn't even have any clue about it. I felt totally and utterly terrible. Then an hour passed of trying to calm down and I got a phone call. From the only woman I've ever loved. Maia. I have been in love with her for almost a year now and recently we hadn't been talking because we had both been so busy and I was starting to get over her. At least I thought I was. It was a bad relationship and I needed to get over her. But she called me to inform me Crystal had told her about how two months ago at Jenna's surprise birthday party I had showed them some messages between the two of us.

Now I know I was in the wrong for showing them private messages but they were my friends and I was just a happy girlfriend that wanted to show off her girlfriend. I trusted them in not telling Maia but sadly that trust was broken. Maia called me and basically ripped out my heart. She told me that I had broken anything we had and that actually whatever I thought we had we probably didn't have and that nothing was ever going to come out of it. She told me she didn't even want to look at me anymore and that we were done. I fell down my wall after she hung up not even letting me speak. I cried my eyes out wanting Jenna to help me but she didn't so I called Amanda. I am beyond thankful for my friendship with Amanda. She is my savior.

Just a couple hours ago Jenna finally called me. We fought. We screamed at each other. we got really mad. We told each other off. We contemplated stopping being friends with each other. Then a switch happened. I didn't even notice it had turned midnight. A new day. We cried. We apologized. We talked and told each other everything that had been going on. We fixed our friendship. All because the worst day of my life was over.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Friends Are A Saving Grace

Ever since I was a little girl I've always had many friends. I've always been that social butterfly that just got along with everyone. I rarely met someone I didn't like or who didn't like me. My cousins Mia (on the left in the photo at the bottom) and Gunnar (on the right at the photo at the bottom) were really my first true friends. As they would be for any only child. Mia was the only person who had actually seem what I went through when my parents got divorced. she had seen the nightmares, the panic attacks, the crying, the fighting, and much more.

Over time however my uncle and my mom began to fight. Soon enough my only friends were taken away from me. The two people I loved the most in this world taken away. If it wasn't for years of Mia and I writing letter back and forth I might not of ever seen her again. But luckily meanwhile I wasn't completely alone. I had started second grade at a charter school called Edu-Prize. I had been on a waiting list all summer and it wasn't till the very first day of school did my mom get the call saying I was in. That school was where I learned a lot of things about people and myself.

The school was a great place and I so many amazing teachers along the way. I connected with so many people and wound up having many friends. It was as if almost everyone knew or heard of me. In the second grade was where I met two of my very first best friends at that school. Jordan (The girl on the left in the picture at the bottom) and Walter (sadly I don't have a picture of me and Walter). The three of us were inseparable. We even did a dance to That So Raven's theme song (because at the time that was cool). But sadly when the end of the year came Jordan and Walter broke the news to me that they were moving. Both my best friends at the same time decided to leave, I was simply put heart broken.

Then third grade started and came along two new best friends. Christiana (the girl on the right in the picture below) and Banner (again I don't have a picture with him). Christiana had just moved from California and she was so imaginative I just couldn't help but be best friends with her. Everyday at recess there was always a new story for us to act out or pretend. A new way for us to get closer. Now Banner on the other hand was a little different. He was able to get along better with the more mature and practical side of me. We had mature conversations as we sat on the swings together and discussed the way we wanted things to play out in life, Over time I began to have a huge crush on Banner and strangely he returned the feelings. Sadly however at the end of the year my heart was broken again. Banner had to move luckily though it wasn't the same as before. I had Christiana with me.

It wasn't till sixth grade did I get a group of three friends again. The small group was made up of my friend Empriss (the girl on the right in the picture on the bottom below), who I actually met in fifth grade, my friend Kayleigh (the girl on the left in the top picture below), and myself. Now Kayleigh was a year younger then Empriss and I but that didn't matter. We were all still just as close as any sisters would be. Empriss and I truly did have an unbreakable bond. we were really close but Kayleigh and I were sisters separated at birth basically. The three of us were like the three musketeers. Everyone knew us. I never knew we were popular though. The thought never crossed my mind. I always pictured us as the annoying kids not the popular kids, But apparently we were. It was a change and this time no one left anyone. We were all here together.

Moving on to seventh grade was hard because only Empriss and I were moving up. Kayleigh had to start her sixth grade year. Empriss and I stayed close of course and for a while we kind of just floated around from group to group then second quarter came and Empriss dropped a bomb on me. She told me her parents were moving far away and she needed to change schools. I actually broke down crying at school. I just couldn't handle having to do this new year all by myself. So I floated more and I searched for new friends as Empriss took care of business with getting transcripts and saying her goodbyes.

I decided one day at lunch, when Empriss wasn't there and I was tired of floating, to sit with these two girls. Chandler (the girl in the picture on the right) and Katie (the girl in the picture on the left). They were what I would've considered at the time popular kids. I didn't think anything would come out of it but in the end the three of us be came the closest of friends. Not many people liked Katie and Chandler though I soon came to realize and I also soon came to realize why. I loved these girls but they were liars and backstabbers and only protected each other. I never regretted out friendships and I stayed friends with them but as soon as eighth grade year came around I made it my mission to find new friends yet again.

Eighth grade year was one of my favorite years when it came to friends because I was able to be friends with pretty much everyone. I didn't have Katie and Chandler holding me back and people thinking I was like them. I was able to basically be apart of every group but there was two girls that meant the world to me and ended up still being two of my closest friends to this day. Lyndsay (the girl on the left in the picture below) and Elysia (the girl on the right in the picture below) ended up being my soul mates in a way. They pulled me out of my shell and into a place I had never been before. This friendship was one of my longest friendships truthfully.

Lyndsay, Elysia, and I spent almost every day with each other and then when school ended we spent almost every weekend together over the break. Sometimes it would be really hard for me to see them since they lived an hour away since I had moved a month before eighth grade graduation. But we kept it together we saw each other as much as we could. The three of us knew every little thing about each other and we had hard times oh lord did we have hard times but we always got through it at the end of the day. Even when freshmen year came around I felt so secure in our friendships that when that year came along I was content with just being apart of a big group of friends. Which again are friends I am still very close with to this day. Sadly when freshmen year was starting to come to an end and so much drama was going on I barely had anytime to see the girls so we slowly split into just good friends and then friends. But it was okay. We had a crazy ride and that's what life is all about.

When the summer between freshmen year and sophomore year started I was looking for something new. Not something I would've normally been apart of. So I joined church. I ended up going to this church's camp and the experience changed my life and a long the way I made four amazing best friends but only two of them truly mattered and that was Emily (the girl on the left in the picture below) and Dara (the girl in the middle in the picture below). They were amazing and cared for me and showed me the light of God. A light I once had a long long time ago but lost. The showed me I was never alone and even though I rarely see them anymore they still remind me every now and then I'm never alone. I am beyond thankful for God putting them in my life.

Now to be completely honest my Freshmen and Sophomore years were my favorite years ever. I didn't feel the need to have two specific best friends. I had many friends in either one big group or a couple small groups and that was completely okay. My friends were all so different in their own ways I loved every single one of them. Some how late in my sophomore year the two girls I call my best friends right now wrangled me in to their little group. They had been going through some drama that made them lose a lot of friends and I knew what that was like so I was super glad to be their friend. From that moment on when the three of us walked in the hallways everyone knew who we were. Crystal (the girl on the right in the picture below) the short one everyone loved but hated, Jenna (the girl in the middle in the picture below) the tall one that everyone was terrified of till they actually had a conversation with her, and myself the medium one that was always smiling. I guess in our own way we were kind of popular. But we didn't need popularity we had each other and that was enough,

Now after all these years of noticing this trend of threes in my life I do realize I have more then just three friends. I have so many very close friends that I've collected over the years that each one would be a story on it's own. I give so much thanks to these people two for being here with me. So thank you Amanda, Keanna, Kelsey, Nicole, Ashley, Kevin, Kiena, Spencer, Alex, Whitley, Lexia, Sarah, Stacy, Liam, John, JJ, Tiara, Wesley, and so many more people. Thank you for being my friend.

Let's Talk About Jenna

The person to the right in the picture above is my best friend Jenna. I personally only live for Jenna. If Jenna wasn't my friend I wouldn't be alive right now. I love her to the ends of the world and back. We've had so many memories and I've told her things I've never told anyone before. Not even my mom and to be honest I tell my mom everything. Jenna is like my other half and my entire family loves her and would do anything for, has done anything for her. If I really wanted to get cheesy I would say she was my chocolate to my strawberry, my peanut to my butter, my king to my queen, my glow to my stick, my better half. I'm always here for this chick and she's always been here for me.

However recently Jenna's mom died and because of this Jenna has been distant and I can understand this. It's all completely circumstantial but it doesn't feel that way anymore. Now I do have a problem with over thinking things especially when it comes to my best friend. I just never want to lose her and the idea of losing her drives me a little overboard. SO excuse me for being a little dramatic. But recently Jenna has been pushing me away and ignoring me. She's been very close with her other very good friend Crystal and yes I will admit at times I get jealous of Crystal but I learn to get over it. But lately I have been feeling like Jenna doesn't need me anymore and like Crystal is a better fit to listen and help with her problems.

Crystal and Jenna have known each other for much longer then I have known Jenna and it would be completely understandable if Jenna just wanted to be with Crystal. I just don't want to be left out in the cold like some trash from last year. Many times I feel like Jenna gets very tired of me and my problems and ever since her mom died I will admit I haven't been talking to her but it's only because I have so much going on in my head I know she doesn't want to hear about it because her problems are much bigger then my own. But when I do try to talk to her and reach out to her all I get is short responses and no replies. I feel ignored and like I'm not worth her time anymore.

Many times I cry myself to sleep because in my heart I know if she is pushing me away it isn't because of herself it's because of me. I do this with all my friends and I've recently come to the realization I will never have that one really close best friend. My whole life I've been an only child and the only life long friend I had was my cousin Mia who was only a month younger then me. We were inseparable till one day she broke my trust. Ever since then I've always had friends in groups of threes. Two really close friends and one of them I would consider even my best friend. My other half but they would never see me that way. They would always see the third person that way. I know now this contributes to a lot of my problems with Jenna but the fact she's pushing me away is killing me inside and she won't even admit she's pushing me away because she says I'm pushing her away.

All I know is I want it all to stop. All the pain and nights of none stop tears. If she wants me out of her life I wish she would just say it so all my pain could be over with. So I don't have to go through her ignoring me and her family not even knowing who I am because she's never mentioned me to them but everyone knows Crystal. I'm tired of when Jenna isn't at school I don't know why but Crystal does because Jenna called her late last night or texted her that morning. I'm just tired. I love Jenna to death and I know if she stopped being my friend I would kill myself but I think if she would just out right say it I could maybe get over it a little easier.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

The Pressure

When I really think about it I don't have too much pressure but I've had so much weight o my shoulders for years that now when something new is added to them I break. Many wouldn't think I have a lot on my shoulders and lately I don't but after a while it all adds up. I have the pressure of my dad always wanting straight A's even thought I'm an A and B student. I have everyone questioning me where I'm going to college and how I plan on making it in life. I have to make sure I find a job because no one wants to help me anymore and my mom needs more money.

I have to care for everyone I know and be there for my mom and friends. I have to be the one to take care of everyone and listen to everyone's problems and make sure everyone else is happy. I have to be "more responsible" even though I practically take care of myself. I have to stop being lazy even though I'm busy 24/7. I have to make sure I'm always happy because if there's ever a moment I'm not someone yells at me and tells me I've changed. I have to attend church and be a good example even though I'm the one sitting in my shower cutting myself.

I'm just a pleaser type of person. if a loved one of mine is upset or doesn't like something I'll figure out a way for them to be happy or to change that something. But my life has gotten to a point where I can't do that anymore. I've known for a while that I can't please everyone but I still felt the need to. I mean these people are my family of course I'm going to do anything in my ability for them. But I've come to the point where I'm done. Enough is Enough, There comes a point where I can't take the pressure anymore. The pressure has pushed me down and broken my shoulders. It's gotten so bad it's even killed my spirit. But I'm pushing back. The weight of the world will not drown me today. If no one wants to save me from myself I'll just have to do it but I know some time soon there will come a time I won't even be able to save myself.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Welcome To The Depths of My Mind

I thought I would start off my blog explaining why I created the blog. Many might find me insane and many might relate to the things that happen inside my head. I go through so many thoughts on a daily basis. So many I have decided to write them down. I am a writer and I write many books and in these books I input some of the things that happen in my head but many times I can never give the full effect because I don't want to make the story about myself. My thoughts have gotten more extreme lately my blog will have a lot of scary things that many people would think I thought about but please I need everyone to understand I'm not insane. Just simply an imaginative person. Many of the thoughts I may post I do not need anyone to worry or question. I realize what I am saying and what is going but I do this to help myself. I will post things from funny moments to questionable moments to suicidal thoughts to things about another world. These things are the depths of my mind and I am finally ready to open my mind to the world. I hope by writing this blog I am able to help someone in the same situation as myself. May be one day I can say I saved a life. Thank you and I hope you enjoy my blog.