"What Is Truth?"

Today my English teacher gave us an assignment. It's an assignment I've been thinking about all day long. He asked us to respond to the question "what is truth?" It's such a complex question and the answer to it can't really be right or wrong. The question can be answered in many ways. There is many aspects to the word truth and in order to answer the question you have to think of all aspects of the word. I decided to start with the most common thought that comes to mind when you hear the word truth. When people hear the word truth they normally think of lies. What have I not lied about today? Should I not lie to my teacher? When you hear truth you think of telling the truth. Being honest with someone and what comes along with that is trust. When you think of truth you think of trust. If you aren't truthful then people will never hold any trust with you.

On the flip side when I think of truth I think of innocence. I think of a young child who doesn't know any better but are the most honest and truthful people on the planet. Even when they get in trouble they may try to lie at first or deny it but in the end they always tell the truth. Children are the essence of innocence and they don't know right from wrong yet and are just learning about life. Therefore to them lying is like cursing they only see the truth in things and don't feel the need to hide them. Like when a child calls you ugly they don't see anything wrong with it because they feel they are just stating facts.

Truth is a hard thing to comprehend and in many situations we don't feel the need to be honest with people because either we are scared to hurt their feelings or maybe it isn't their truth to tell. We may know things about people and we might feel like it is our obligation to be honest about this person and tell the truth of who they really are but really it isn't ours to tell. People come out with the truth when they feel it is right and sometimes it's too late and it causes lots of problems. Sometimes people take their lies and truths to the grave never letting a soul know what was reality or fantasy. People are complicated creature and having the option between lies and truths is hell.

So to answer the question "what is truth?" I believe truth is lying. Truth is honesty and trust. Truth is innocence. Truth is a curse and a blessing. Truth is not for us to give or to take. Truth is complex and disturbing. Truth is as close to hell on earth as we can get because the truth hurts and the truth breaks hearts. Humans are humans and we make mistakes but having truths and lies is like caring around a loaded gun. You have to always be ready to be either shot down or shoot someone down.

Half Asleep & Terrified

It's 2am and I can't sleep. In a couple hours my alarm is going off and I am suppose to be up for school. School starts again today if that wasn't obvious. All I know is I'm not ready. Not like for the school aspect because truthfully I'll never be ready for that but for the hell and drama that awaits for me in my group of friends. I'm terrified for when I get to school and Crystal and Maia are there. I am beyond terrified for when one of them sees me or I have to confront one of them. I'm sitting here in the dark not knowing how to move on with my life. This dark hole I'm in is for shit and I can't seem to get out of this part. This weekend was amazing I felt truly happy when I was cleaning my room. I was doing better and then reality hit me. I couldn't run from my problems any longer since they were both going to be strolling around in my face for the rest of the semester. I just needed to figure out who my true friends were at the moment and how I was going to talk to and spend time with Jenna without Crystal being around. It wasn't going to be easy and all I know is I feel like going into a coma so I don't have to deal with this shit. Well three cheers to three years man or I guess the rest of this semester and Senior year. Yay.

"New Year, New Me"

Everyone always says "new year, new me" but when you really think about it no one really changes. Everyone always does these new years resolutions and say they're going to do this or that and they're going to be nicer or find themselves. We all say we are going to do these things but we never do them and it's only because we expect it to just happen without any effort. We are too lazy for our own good and that's a bit terrifying. If you want to be more confident or be a better person or start doing good in school the only way to do it is to change your state of mind. You might find that idea funny but if you truly sit down and think about it we are the way we are because of a mind set. People asks how someone can exercise and have kids and keep a job. Yeah it gets stressful I'm sure but it's because they have a mind set. They believe they can do it so then they are actually able to. When we think and we let our thoughts into the world it's always going to come back. Therefore if we let negative energy out it will come back in more places then one and soon enough it will consume our life. But if we give out positive energy we get nothing but positive back in our life. It's a method beyond it's time and it's been around for years. Many people are too lazy or too negative to believe it or endure it into their lives. If you want change then change your state of mind.

It's as simple as that and that is why I've decided to change my state of mind. I've been so depressed for so long and I've been basically drowning it. I'm never not going o be depressed. That is something I just can't control but I can take control of some aspects in my life changing my state of mind and change the negative into positive. I'm not going to make a check list. No. I'm not going to make a resolution and set a date it needs to be done. Yes many people are lazy and don't want to work to change their state of mind but when they do it doesn't just take one week or one month. It takes a long time and a lot of effort. Therefore for me to change my state of mind and get out of the ocean I've been drowning myself in I must start somewhere. Today that somewhere is my room. It is the place I spend almost all my time and the place I feel safe. In order for me to get rid of the negative energy in my room I must clean it. I have been saying for months that I would clean my room but I never wanted to. I was starting to get comfortable in my ocean and I didn't want to leave it but sometimes we need to grow up and jump. Today is a big day for me even though many would find it ridiculous that cleaning my room is such a big deal. It shows I'm making an effort and sometimes a clean room is all we need for a fresh mind set. So wish me luck because I must leave you to start. REMEMBER IN ORDER TO CHANGE YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR MIND SET!

Today Was The Worst Day

Today was the worst day of my life. I had started off optimistic and then it slowly went down hill. First I almost failed a project with a class I'm almost about to fail. Then I had a major panic attack in my fourth hour. I had been shaky all day and I hadn't eaten at lunch because I was too busy with my project for my class. I just plain freaked out in the middle and class and ran to the bathroom texting my friend Juliette to help me. Luckily she came at the perfect time right when I had just broke down. I couldn't fully understand why I had a panic attack but it was major and all I cared about was calming down. After I had calmed down Juliette asked me if I had eaten and I told her I hadn't. So after class she gave me some cashews to help me feel better.

After that I had finally started to look up and feel better but then when I got into my dad's car the second I got in I was screamed at and braided for things I didn't do. I ended up getting into a huge fight with my dad and walking to my house completely pissed off. Then I find out my friend Jenna had been staying at Crystal's house all week and I didn't even have any clue about it. I felt totally and utterly terrible. Then an hour passed of trying to calm down and I got a phone call. From the only woman I've ever loved. Maia. I have been in love with her for almost a year now and recently we hadn't been talking because we had both been so busy and I was starting to get over her. At least I thought I was. It was a bad relationship and I needed to get over her. But she called me to inform me Crystal had told her about how two months ago at Jenna's surprise birthday party I had showed them some messages between the two of us.

Now I know I was in the wrong for showing them private messages but they were my friends and I was just a happy girlfriend that wanted to show off her girlfriend. I trusted them in not telling Maia but sadly that trust was broken. Maia called me and basically ripped out my heart. She told me that I had broken anything we had and that actually whatever I thought we had we probably didn't have and that nothing was ever going to come out of it. She told me she didn't even want to look at me anymore and that we were done. I fell down my wall after she hung up not even letting me speak. I cried my eyes out wanting Jenna to help me but she didn't so I called Amanda. I am beyond thankful for my friendship with Amanda. She is my savior.

Just a couple hours ago Jenna finally called me. We fought. We screamed at each other. we got really mad. We told each other off. We contemplated stopping being friends with each other. Then a switch happened. I didn't even notice it had turned midnight. A new day. We cried. We apologized. We talked and told each other everything that had been going on. We fixed our friendship. All because the worst day of my life was over.

Friends Are A Saving Grace

Ever since I was a little girl I've always had many friends. I've always been that social butterfly that just got along with everyone. I rarely met someone I didn't like or who didn't like me. My cousins Mia (on the left in the photo at the bottom) and Gunnar (on the right at the photo at the bottom) were really my first true friends. As they would be for any only child. Mia was the only person who had actually seem what I went through when my parents got divorced. she had seen the nightmares, the panic attacks, the crying, the fighting, and much more.

 

Over time however my uncle and my mom began to fight. Soon enough my only friends were taken away from me. The two people I loved the most in this world taken away. If it wasn't for years of Mia and I writing letter back and forth I might not of ever seen her again. But luckily meanwhile I wasn't completely alone. I had started second grade at a charter school called Edu-Prize. I had been on a waiting list all summer and it wasn't till the very first day of school did my mom get the call saying I was in. That school was where I learned a lot of things about people and myself.

The school was a great place and I so many amazing teachers along the way. I connected with so many people and wound up having many friends. It was as if almost everyone knew or heard of me. In the second grade was where I met two of my very first best friends at that school. Jordan (The girl on the left in the picture at the bottom) and Walter (sadly I don't have a picture of me and Walter). The three of us were inseparable. We even did a dance to That So Raven's theme song (because at the time that was cool). But sadly when the end of the year came Jordan and Walter broke the news to me that they were moving. Both my best friends at the same time decided to leave, I was simply put heart broken.

Then third grade started and came along two new best friends. Christiana (the girl on the right in the picture below) and Banner (again I don't have a picture with him). Christiana had just moved from California and she was so imaginative I just couldn't help but be best friends with her. Everyday at recess there was always a new story for us to act out or pretend. A new way for us to get closer. Now Banner on the other hand was a little different. He was able to get along better with the more mature and practical side of me. We had mature conversations as we sat on the swings together and discussed the way we wanted things to play out in life, Over time I began to have a huge crush on Banner and strangely he returned the feelings. Sadly however at the end of the year my heart was broken again. Banner had to move luckily though it wasn't the same as before. I had Christiana with me.

It wasn't till sixth grade did I get a group of three friends again. The small group was made up of my friend Empriss (the girl on the right in the picture on the bottom below), who I actually met in fifth grade, my friend Kayleigh (the girl on the left in the top picture below), and myself. Now Kayleigh was a year younger then Empriss and I but that didn't matter. We were all still just as close as any sisters would be. Empriss and I truly did have an unbreakable bond. we were really close but Kayleigh and I were sisters separated at birth basically. The three of us were like the three musketeers. Everyone knew us. I never knew we were popular though. The thought never crossed my mind. I always pictured us as the annoying kids not the popular kids, But apparently we were. It was a change and this time no one left anyone. We were all here together.

Moving on to seventh grade was hard because only Empriss and I were moving up. Kayleigh had to start her sixth grade year. Empriss and I stayed close of course and for a while we kind of just floated around from group to group then second quarter came and Empriss dropped a bomb on me. She told me her parents were moving far away and she needed to change schools. I actually broke down crying at school. I just couldn't handle having to do this new year all by myself. So I floated more and I searched for new friends as Empriss took care of business with getting transcripts and saying her goodbyes.

I decided one day at lunch, when Empriss wasn't there and I was tired of floating, to sit with these two girls. Chandler (the girl in the picture on the right) and Katie (the girl in the picture on the left). They were what I would've considered at the time popular kids. I didn't think anything would come out of it but in the end the three of us be came the closest of friends. Not many people liked Katie and Chandler though I soon came to realize and I also soon came to realize why. I loved these girls but they were liars and backstabbers and only protected each other. I never regretted out friendships and I stayed friends with them but as soon as eighth grade year came around I made it my mission to find new friends yet again.

Eighth grade year was one of my favorite years when it came to friends because I was able to be friends with pretty much everyone. I didn't have Katie and Chandler holding me back and people thinking I was like them. I was able to basically be apart of every group but there was two girls that meant the world to me and ended up still being two of my closest friends to this day. Lyndsay (the girl on the left in the picture below) and Elysia (the girl on the right in the picture below) ended up being my soul mates in a way. They pulled me out of my shell and into a place I had never been before. This friendship was one of my longest friendships truthfully.

Lyndsay, Elysia, and I spent almost every day with each other and then when school ended we spent almost every weekend together over the break. Sometimes it would be really hard for me to see them since they lived an hour away since I had moved a month before eighth grade graduation. But we kept it together we saw each other as much as we could. The three of us knew every little thing about each other and we had hard times oh lord did we have hard times but we always got through it at the end of the day. Even when freshmen year came around I felt so secure in our friendships that when that year came along I was content with just being apart of a big group of friends. Which again are friends I am still very close with to this day. Sadly when freshmen year was starting to come to an end and so much drama was going on I barely had anytime to see the girls so we slowly split into just good friends and then friends. But it was okay. We had a crazy ride and that's what life is all about.

When the summer between freshmen year and sophomore year started I was looking for something new. Not something I would've normally been apart of. So I joined church. I ended up going to this church's camp and the experience changed my life and a long the way I made four amazing best friends but only two of them truly mattered and that was Emily (the girl on the left in the picture below) and Dara (the girl in the middle in the picture below). They were amazing and cared for me and showed me the light of God. A light I once had a long long time ago but lost. The showed me I was never alone and even though I rarely see them anymore they still remind me every now and then I'm never alone. I am beyond thankful for God putting them in my life.

Now to be completely honest my Freshmen and Sophomore years were my favorite years ever. I didn't feel the need to have two specific best friends. I had many friends in either one big group or a couple small groups and that was completely okay. My friends were all so different in their own ways I loved every single one of them. Some how late in my sophomore year the two girls I call my best friends right now wrangled me in to their little group. They had been going through some drama that made them lose a lot of friends and I knew what that was like so I was super glad to be their friend. From that moment on when the three of us walked in the hallways everyone knew who we were. Crystal (the girl on the right in the picture below) the short one everyone loved but hated, Jenna (the girl in the middle in the picture below) the tall one that everyone was terrified of till they actually had a conversation with her, and myself the medium one that was always smiling. I guess in our own way we were kind of popular. But we didn't need popularity we had each other and that was enough,

Now after all these years of noticing this trend of threes in my life I do realize I have more then just three friends. I have so many very close friends that I've collected over the years that each one would be a story on it's own. I give so much thanks to these people two for being here with me. So thank you Amanda, Keanna, Kelsey, Nicole, Ashley, Kevin, Kiena, Spencer, Alex, Whitley, Lexia, Sarah, Stacy, Liam, John, JJ, Tiara, Wesley, and so many more people. Thank you for being my friend.

Let's Talk About Jenna

The person to the right in the picture above is my best friend Jenna. I personally only live for Jenna. If Jenna wasn't my friend I wouldn't be alive right now. I love her to the ends of the world and back. We've had so many memories and I've told her things I've never told anyone before. Not even my mom and to be honest I tell my mom everything. Jenna is like my other half and my entire family loves her and would do anything for, has done anything for her. If I really wanted to get cheesy I would say she was my chocolate to my strawberry, my peanut to my butter, my king to my queen, my glow to my stick, my better half. I'm always here for this chick and she's always been here for me.

However recently Jenna's mom died and because of this Jenna has been distant and I can understand this. It's all completely circumstantial but it doesn't feel that way anymore. Now I do have a problem with over thinking things especially when it comes to my best friend. I just never want to lose her and the idea of losing her drives me a little overboard. SO excuse me for being a little dramatic. But recently Jenna has been pushing me away and ignoring me. She's been very close with her other very good friend Crystal and yes I will admit at times I get jealous of Crystal but I learn to get over it. But lately I have been feeling like Jenna doesn't need me anymore and like Crystal is a better fit to listen and help with her problems.

Crystal and Jenna have known each other for much longer then I have known Jenna and it would be completely understandable if Jenna just wanted to be with Crystal. I just don't want to be left out in the cold like some trash from last year. Many times I feel like Jenna gets very tired of me and my problems and ever since her mom died I will admit I haven't been talking to her but it's only because I have so much going on in my head I know she doesn't want to hear about it because her problems are much bigger then my own. But when I do try to talk to her and reach out to her all I get is short responses and no replies. I feel ignored and like I'm not worth her time anymore.

Many times I cry myself to sleep because in my heart I know if she is pushing me away it isn't because of herself it's because of me. I do this with all my friends and I've recently come to the realization I will never have that one really close best friend. My whole life I've been an only child and the only life long friend I had was my cousin Mia who was only a month younger then me. We were inseparable till one day she broke my trust. Ever since then I've always had friends in groups of threes. Two really close friends and one of them I would consider even my best friend. My other half but they would never see me that way. They would always see the third person that way. I know now this contributes to a lot of my problems with Jenna but the fact she's pushing me away is killing me inside and she won't even admit she's pushing me away because she says I'm pushing her away.

All I know is I want it all to stop. All the pain and nights of none stop tears. If she wants me out of her life I wish she would just say it so all my pain could be over with. So I don't have to go through her ignoring me and her family not even knowing who I am because she's never mentioned me to them but everyone knows Crystal. I'm tired of when Jenna isn't at school I don't know why but Crystal does because Jenna called her late last night or texted her that morning. I'm just tired. I love Jenna to death and I know if she stopped being my friend I would kill myself but I think if she would just out right say it I could maybe get over it a little easier.

The Pressure

When I really think about it I don't have too much pressure but I've had so much weight o my shoulders for years that now when something new is added to them I break. Many wouldn't think I have a lot on my shoulders and lately I don't but after a while it all adds up. I have the pressure of my dad always wanting straight A's even thought I'm an A and B student. I have everyone questioning me where I'm going to college and how I plan on making it in life. I have to make sure I find a job because no one wants to help me anymore and my mom needs more money.

I have to care for everyone I know and be there for my mom and friends. I have to be the one to take care of everyone and listen to everyone's problems and make sure everyone else is happy. I have to be "more responsible" even though I practically take care of myself. I have to stop being lazy even though I'm busy 24/7. I have to make sure I'm always happy because if there's ever a moment I'm not someone yells at me and tells me I've changed. I have to attend church and be a good example even though I'm the one sitting in my shower cutting myself.

I'm just a pleaser type of person. if a loved one of mine is upset or doesn't like something I'll figure out a way for them to be happy or to change that something. But my life has gotten to a point where I can't do that anymore. I've known for a while that I can't please everyone but I still felt the need to. I mean these people are my family of course I'm going to do anything in my ability for them. But I've come to the point where I'm done. Enough is Enough, There comes a point where I can't take the pressure anymore. The pressure has pushed me down and broken my shoulders. It's gotten so bad it's even killed my spirit. But I'm pushing back. The weight of the world will not drown me today. If no one wants to save me from myself I'll just have to do it but I know some time soon there will come a time I won't even be able to save myself.