Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Let's Talk About Jenna

The person to the right in the picture above is my best friend Jenna. I personally only live for Jenna. If Jenna wasn't my friend I wouldn't be alive right now. I love her to the ends of the world and back. We've had so many memories and I've told her things I've never told anyone before. Not even my mom and to be honest I tell my mom everything. Jenna is like my other half and my entire family loves her and would do anything for, has done anything for her. If I really wanted to get cheesy I would say she was my chocolate to my strawberry, my peanut to my butter, my king to my queen, my glow to my stick, my better half. I'm always here for this chick and she's always been here for me.

However recently Jenna's mom died and because of this Jenna has been distant and I can understand this. It's all completely circumstantial but it doesn't feel that way anymore. Now I do have a problem with over thinking things especially when it comes to my best friend. I just never want to lose her and the idea of losing her drives me a little overboard. SO excuse me for being a little dramatic. But recently Jenna has been pushing me away and ignoring me. She's been very close with her other very good friend Crystal and yes I will admit at times I get jealous of Crystal but I learn to get over it. But lately I have been feeling like Jenna doesn't need me anymore and like Crystal is a better fit to listen and help with her problems.

Crystal and Jenna have known each other for much longer then I have known Jenna and it would be completely understandable if Jenna just wanted to be with Crystal. I just don't want to be left out in the cold like some trash from last year. Many times I feel like Jenna gets very tired of me and my problems and ever since her mom died I will admit I haven't been talking to her but it's only because I have so much going on in my head I know she doesn't want to hear about it because her problems are much bigger then my own. But when I do try to talk to her and reach out to her all I get is short responses and no replies. I feel ignored and like I'm not worth her time anymore.

Many times I cry myself to sleep because in my heart I know if she is pushing me away it isn't because of herself it's because of me. I do this with all my friends and I've recently come to the realization I will never have that one really close best friend. My whole life I've been an only child and the only life long friend I had was my cousin Mia who was only a month younger then me. We were inseparable till one day she broke my trust. Ever since then I've always had friends in groups of threes. Two really close friends and one of them I would consider even my best friend. My other half but they would never see me that way. They would always see the third person that way. I know now this contributes to a lot of my problems with Jenna but the fact she's pushing me away is killing me inside and she won't even admit she's pushing me away because she says I'm pushing her away.

All I know is I want it all to stop. All the pain and nights of none stop tears. If she wants me out of her life I wish she would just say it so all my pain could be over with. So I don't have to go through her ignoring me and her family not even knowing who I am because she's never mentioned me to them but everyone knows Crystal. I'm tired of when Jenna isn't at school I don't know why but Crystal does because Jenna called her late last night or texted her that morning. I'm just tired. I love Jenna to death and I know if she stopped being my friend I would kill myself but I think if she would just out right say it I could maybe get over it a little easier.

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